It’s been so long since I’ve written, just sat down and let the words flow. I had stopped writing because I was suddenly aware that people were reading these personal thoughts of mine. I didn’t like how they would be brought up in conversation, especially when they were painful things to write about, let alone speak out loud. I tried just journaling but at the end of the day when I crawl into bed there is so little of me left. My journalling became just as sporadic as my blogging, and all these words I had stored up in my head, all these moments I swore I would record so I would never, ever forget, have been forgotten. Even if it means laying down my pride to bare my soul or my short comings, even if it means intentionally saying I WILL WRITE TODAY, and making it a higher priority than watching The Office, I need to do it. Because not writing is not working.
For the longest time this feeling of selfishness would creep up every time I made time to do something I loved, even if I had spent most of the day keeping the house or the peace or the bellies full, I would feel like it was never enough, that I am never going to do enough. That nothing I had done was worth taking a break from. I’ve gotten to the point where I can recognize those emotions in myself, but I haven’t conquered them quite yet. Maybe I need to just push them away and plug my ears and do something “meaningless” anyway. It’s hard to just jump back into something you haven’t done for so long though. Where do I even begin? I did one of these “currently” posts a while back (like TWO YEARS AGO) and it seems like a pretty nice way to ease back into sharing life with this corner of the internet.
reading: ALL THE BOOKS. But seriously my “to read immediately” stack is about 7 books deep. I used to be the kind of reader than had 3 or 4 books going at the same time, but I’ve found that I get really into just one, and then forget about all the rest for 6 months until I remember that I was reading it. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern is at the top of my read immediately pile, and I’m about halfish way through. I was pretty skeptical because the circus isn’t really my thing, but it’s not about the circus in a Water for Elephants way (which I didn’t like all that much), but this is good. I hate to recommend books I haven’t finished yet, but I’m pretty sure I can recommend this one. Next up is The Septembers of Shiraz.
watching: The Office. John straight up REFUSED to watch it, but I knew if I waited ever so patiently, and when the time was right, turned on the first episode, he would be hooked. And he is ;) Movie wise, I want to see Thor 2, The Book Thief, and apparently 12 Years a Slave and Gravity since they won All The Oscars.
thinking about: How much will change for us this year. We PCS in 6 months and in 3 weeks John leaves again. Didn’t he just get back, you say? Yes, yes he did. This time isn’t for a deployment, but it’s still 5 months of solo parenting that I am not looking forward to. I have many bittersweet thoughts about the PCS, but I’m trying to focus all my energy on to this next separation, since I’m no where near recovered from the last one.
eating: My husband has requested Pineapple Cashew Fried Rice twice a week for the last month. It’s so so good and we aren’t even close to sick of it yet.
working on: My fitness. I’ve spent almost every day since mid january with shaun t doing insanity, and I’m not seeing crazy awesome results (because I also spend every day with a bowl of pineapple cashew fried rice), but the post workout endorphins are unbeatable. I can’t live without them theses days.
loving: Ali’s quiet time! Enabler of coffee breaks, devotion time, yoga practice and writing. Also the little instagram widget on my sidebar. Now you can see Ali’s crazy faces without me having to save them, email them and upload them. Hollaaaa.